Dear Madame Steel

I do not usually write this sort of letter.  Normally I write to the Scalentine Chronicle (you may have seen some of my letters, they are signed ‘A Concerned Citizen’).  However I did not think this fell within their purview, and in any case they do not usually give advice.  Some of the other correspondents give advice but it is seldom helpful like telling me to jump off a bridge etc. when I am only concerned about i.e. public safety issues like people leaving stuff on the pavement where a person could easily trip over it.

Anyway.

I have heard that you are an expert on what might be called Romantic Matters.  Recently my lady wife has begun displaying an interest in what she refers to as ‘spicing up our marriage’ and has started to bring home Objects and coloured ropes etc. and woodcuts showing people engaged in Marital Activities with such things.

I am a great believer in keeping a marriage interesting and often entertain my wife with descriptions of local council meetings and the latest gossip about new safety regulations, some of which is definitely of a spicy nature!  And at her insistence we went to the burlesque show at the Flight of Fancy, though we were forced to leave by the management who did not appreciate my pointing out the many potential health and safety violations in the Flaming Balloons act.  So you can see I am not Averse to being Adventurous.

However I feel the sort of thing she is suggesting is in danger of violating a number of safety issues and I do not feel that having something wrenched beyond repair is going to do anything to improve our bedroom relations.  I would therefore be grateful for some sound and practical advice.

Sincerely

Concerned Citizen.

Dear Concerned

Babylon passed this to us as it is our area of expertise.

Safety is of course of great concern.  We think you and your wife should make an appointment to visit us; we will show you, as it were, the ropes.

We promise not to wrench anything you don’t want wrenched.  You may be surprised at what you end up asking for, however.

Or indeed begging for.

Yours in anticipation

Cruel and Unusual
The Basement
Red Lantern.