Dear Babylon

My boyfriend took me to meet his mother last week.  She’s dead. That is, she’s a ghost.
I wouldn’t mind but she floated around while he was kissing me and she was making gestures. Encouraging ones. It put me right off. Also rattling the dirty pans and stuff.

Haunted.

Dear Haunted

There’s normally a reason why someone hangs about when they should have moved on.  You mention dirty pans.  Has your boyfriend done any cleaning since she died?

Babylon.

Dear Babylon

I don’t think so. There’s cobwebs you could knit jumpers of. 

Haunted.

Dear Haunted

I suspect your boyfriend’s mum can’t leave because your boyfriend hasn’t let her go. He’s still expecting her to look after him. I think she’s encouraging you to get amorous in the hopes that you’ll take over the job. Which is fine if you don’t mind being stuck with all his cleaning. (Also stuck with a man who fails to run screaming from the room when his dead mum starts making ‘encouraging gestures’. I mean, really?)
I’d tell him to do his own cleaning. With luck that will allow his mum to move on – or shock her so much she disintegrates.
If he can’t or won’t clean up, I’d suggest you do the moving on, sharpish.
Good luck

Babylon

Notes:

Dear Confused
Please see enclosed diagram. Ignore the moustaches, I’m afraid Jivrais got hold of the drawing.

Dear Exhausted
Did you go to that alchemist in Little Ferret Street? If so, do not take any more of the green pills. He’s a nice man but overenthusiastic with his dosage. It should go down in about a week.

Dear Lovelorn
I’m afraid not everyone appreciates a necklace made of your enemies’ dried…parts. Try some nice beads instead. Made of glass or precious stones, preferably. (Gallstones don’t count, by the way).