Scalentine Chronicler Classified Ads

‘Visionary Vistas’ Professional Landscapers – You Will Believe Your Eyes!

Do you have a tiny plot and long for land?  We can help!  No matter how small the area, we can give you rolling fields and vast acreage – ancient ruins, gazebos, follies – (toiling serfs extra).  Don’t delay, expand your land today!

(Landscapes are visual only. Any attempt to ride across them may result in injury or prosecution for trespass. Customers are advised to carry a pokey stick at all times to ensure they do not walk into the walls).

Mr Sandman

Distressed by nightmares? Bored and confused by yet another tedious night of nonsensical fragments?   Contact The Sandman for custom dreams and visions at reasonable rates.  Discretion assured.

Teeth giving you trouble?

In pain?  Scared of the dentist?  We will extract all your teeth swiftly and mostly painlessly, and replace them with a set of fine porcelain dentures almost indistinguishable from the real thing.  Contact James Slipren, 52 Bouquet Drive.

Excellent service: All types of domestic servant and minion provided.

Need unquestioning loyalty and unthinking obedience?  We can provide domestic labour that will cater to your every need.  We provide the control mechanism in an elegant silk pouch.  No previous experience in use of control spells required. Contact Jimmy the Slip, 52 Bouquet Drive

Amendment to the Laws and Ordinances of Scalentine, Harm to the Person, Section 5, subsection 3, paragraph 38a. 

Any actual or attempted use of magic to control the actions of an intelligent being (see Definition of Person/s, Section 1, paragraphs 1 through 938) will result in immediate arrest and prosecution.  (Even if it doesn’t work, Jimmy, you slimy little pillock. H Bitternut, Chief, City Militia).

In Debt?  Hunting for coins down the back of the sofa? Don’t know where to turn?

Looking for convenience, security and peace of mind?  Then don’t answer any of the loan company adverts. They’re mostly crooks. Trust me.

However if you’re looking for steady work and a regular (if not exactly abundant) income, including advice on getting out of debt and the chance to arrest the people who helped you get into it, apply to the Militia.  Hargur Bitternut, Chief, City Militia


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