An extraordinary incident took place in Pigjam Alley on Stoneday, when Miris Trand, (23 years Scalentine), being in a depressed state of mind after the termination of an affair of the heart, attempted to take her own life.
Miss Trand, a herbalist, set light to certain volatile oils in the belief that the resulting miasma would waft her gently into the Beyond. However the stand fell over, spilling flaming oil on Miss Trand’s boots. Miss Trand was wearing voluminous skirts, and was blown backwards out of the window, whereon she drifted slowly downwards, apparently held up by the exhalations of the flaming oils.
A young alchemical engineer by the name of Entrich Don Intrevan who happened to be passing, caught Miss Trand as she approached the ground and extinguished the flames.
“He was watching me float down with the most concentrated expression,” Miss Trand said. “When he asked if he could examine my boots I thought perhaps he was a bit strange, but he explained it was for an experiment, and then we got talking. No, my feet are fine – they were my grandma’s boots, she always wore them when she was working with volatiles. They’ve had worse, believe me.”
Mr Don Intrevan told our reporter, “Miss Trand and I are working on a theory. Gaseous Floatation. We think it could be big.”
We asked the opinion of respected alchemist Sindeth Dolfringe, who stated that it sounded like a lot of hot air.
A thief was arrested on Inchday after stealing a lady’s purse. Having evaded pursuit, he was discovered when passers-by heard yells for help from an alleyway.
The thief was found backed against the rear wall of the alley whimpering, “Get it off me!”
The purse was lying at his feet. None of its contents appeared to have been disturbed. It was returned to its owner, one Mattie Longsides, a long term Scalentine resident.
The arresting member of the Militia said, “He can’t have been here long if he tried that on Mattie. He’s lucky he’s still the same shape.”
Local trader Dronch Etherin has been arrested for the sale of items likely to damage public health. Militia warned customers who had recently visited Etherin’s Vitality and Longevity Emporium that the ‘New Health Elixir’ recently for sale, a pungent yellow liquid, was not, as claimed, a remarkable cure for many bodily ills, but more likely to produce a large number of them.
“Whether or not he personally believes in the health-giving properties of this substance, ” the arresting officer stated, “we do not. In fact, we felt he was taking the piss.”
All three of these are funny.