Extracts from the Scalentine Chronicler

Mysterious ‘Burglaries’ Leave Militia Baffled

A number of dwellings have recently been broken into in the area of Crowns portal.  Each break-in has involved various items being moved around and a small amount of money, approximately enough to pay for the mending of broken locks/windows etc., being left in a prominent place, along with a note reading ‘Sorry’.

The Militia told our reporter that enquiries were proceeding. One Militia source who preferred to remain anonymous said, “We’re not baffled, it’s obvious someone’s looking for something. We just don’t know what. Or who. Please don’t say baffled, it really gets on the Chief’s wick.”

Strange Substance Stops Traffic

The Militia are investigating the source of a pink liquid that appeared in Boarstooth Way in the early hours of Stoneday.  It appeared be emanating from a source under the roadway and was extremely sticky.  One butcher’s cart, a private conveyance, three passers-by and a small dog became trapped and traffic was impeded for several hours. The liquid eventually dissolved. No persons were injured by the liquid but a member of the Militia was bitten by the dog.

The owner of the butcher’s cart (Jothin Matry, 48 Years Scalentine) was of the opinion that it was the, ‘Bloody alchemists, always messing with things man should wot not of, you mark my words there’ll be tentacles next.’

The owner of the private conveyance refused to comment and advised our reporter that asking intrusive questions could be dangerous to one’s health.

The Militia would not comment on the source but said enquiries would be proceeding and enquired whether the Chronicler would like a pet dog as they had one going spare.

Three Injured in Public House Fracas

A disturbance took place at the Sideways Road public house in King of Stone late on Inshday evening after what appears to have been a drinking competition. It is unclear exactly what happened, except that it involved a Nederan lady buying drinks, two Ikinchli citizens, and our reporter, who was later found under his desk at our offices, minus his trousers, and singing.

When approached for comment the landlord (Nitchin Frome, 58 years Scalentine) said: “Someone insulted one of the Ikinchli. The Nederan took exception to this. Someone took exception to her taking an exception. And anyone who thinks they can outdrink two Ikinchli and a Nederan is a damn fool. Now if you’ll excuse me I have sweeping to do and some broken chairs to mend.”


Reporter at the Scalentine Chronicle. Interest in local news, ability to ask questions and take the occasional punch required. Spelling optional but if you can’t our proofreader will hit you with a big stick until you can. Occasional sobriety preferred.

Apply 3 Roasting Pan Way.

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