Some of the more notable incidents this week;

Lolfringe T’citchen, Chef, the Roundhouse Tower. I have yet to discover which law covers this. Basically, he put portions of his own anatomy in a stew. Apparently it’s customary where he comes from, and they grow back. However, I’m fairly sure it violates health and safety, and it certainly upset the other kitchen staff. Not to mention the one customer who found out, after consuming his portion, and threw up. On me, as it happens.

Dorce Inteneth lac the Third, No Fixed Abode. Tried to declare himself the rightful King of Scalentine again, this time by drawing the sword from the stone. Said ‘stone’ was actually a large loaf prepared by the Bakers’ and Pastrymakers’ Guild for their annual charity event, and the ‘sword’ was a carving knife. No injuries were sustained although a cream cake and several buns suffered minor damage.

Several citizens arrested for creating a disturbance while celebrating the 110^th birthday of Marinettish Dolfray. Mrs Dolfray  herself, while physically present at the proceedings, did not contribute to the disturbance due to having been deceased for some years. Apparently she has made provision in her will for these celebrations every year, with her preserved remains in attendance. She did look quite jolly, what with the paper hat. Unfortunately the provisions of her will do not cover the subsequent fines resulting from the attendees making a damned nuisance of themselves.

Lord Theriaston Oblaish Dath Renacule, The Manse, 14 White Square. Tried to get us to arrest his servant for failing to heat his bathwater to his precise requirements. On investigation my officers discovered several violations of a number of laws, all of them by Lord Theriaston. Lord Theriaston is currently in the cells and has demanded access to bathing facilities, which he will receive. He may find them a bit chilly since it’s possible someone accidentally shut off the boiler. Oops.

Intricia Martens, 5 The Clays. Malicious assault on a cabbage.