Dear Babylon

Honourful greetings lady of most rectitude and erotic expertise.

I am a Jaiyiak recently arrived to your exotic city of Scalentine on a mission to make dealings with your traders.  After a day of hard negotiations we have not yet reached a settlement of satisfaction to all parties but going well and all are on terms of high regard.  Those with whom I am dealing invite me to a celebratory occasion where they inform is to be worn costume.

This I am most willing to do being always pleased to take part in local customs if not distasteful or of unnecessary lethality.

I dress as a human for this party, to honour my human hosts.  This is a time-consuming and not uncostly process also quite uncomfortable.

When I arrive I realise that most costumes are not full-body realistic as is mine but only clothing.

I have not put on clothing, thinking costume would be sufficient.

I am now a naked human at a party of clothed humans.  Also, my hosts do not recognise me. This is a situation of some awkwardness.

However a human who I believe from the appurtenances is probably female approaches and with great kindness removes a part of her own costume in order to lend it to me.

She is definitely female, and I am pleased that my studies of the species have proved accurate.

I attempt to speak to my hosts but they have disappeared among all the people.  I spend time instead talking with the female who is quite charming if rather confused and eventually I realise she wishes to engage in congress.

I inform her that it is not my time for congress and also our anatomies unsuited, upon which she informs me that my anatomy looks very suited to her.

I try to explain I am not human, but the female makes a sound that causes her appurtenances to jiggle in a strange way and says “it’s all right dearie I like weres” which I do not understand.  I would remove the human appearance but this process is squishy and involves spillage which would be inappropriate behaviour in someone else’s celebration.

I extricate myself with as much as possible politeness and return to my lodgings.

The next morning there is a message from the lady.  She thinks I am a human, and also ‘sweet’ and ‘shy’ and wishes to meet with me for purposes of furthering our relationship.

The ‘human’ she met is now dried up and in the wastebin.  I do not wish to insult the lady, but also do not wish to engage in congress as this would be unpleasant and possibly terminal for at least one of us.

I must remain in Scalentine until negotiations are completed.  I would be grateful for your advice in this delicate matter.

Yours in hope,

Adthileiar third descendant to the right of Ofrani.

 

Dear Adthileiar

As a human female, or thereabouts, I would advise that you send a message to the lady explaining the situation as plainly as possible.  If she remains persistent, simply answer the door next time she calls, in your own form, and without clothing.  I have been fortunate enough to meet members of your race and can state with absolute certainty that you are correct about the likely result of any congress.  If she can’t work out which bit is which, tell her.  She will back off.

If she doesn’t…umm, she has bigger problems than I can deal with.  In that case, I suggest a discreet exit out the back and a change of lodging.

In any case you have will have behaved with all the courtesy that can be expected of a visitor.

And I would be very interested to know the name of your costume maker.  You never know when that sort of thing will come in useful.

Babylon

 

Notes:

Enthalion Sonit: I’m sorry, but you are banned until you can control your tendency to vocal overenthusiasm.  You owe us for two windows, six wineglasses, a mirror, and one right bastard of a headache. Invoice attached.

Miss M: Please tell your delivery boy that he simply mistook the Basement entrance for the service entrance.  What he saw was neither a scene of demons engaged in torment, nor a murder.  Just Cruel and Unusual and a couple of clients of theirs.  Who survived.  We’re very, ah, strict about that.

Driskar: No.  There are limits.  At least, there are on your budget.