Female Seeking Male

In the money: Human, 58 years Scalentine, well-preserved and jolly.  Seeks entertaining, independent person/persons to help me spend family fortune as recklessly as possible, before scrounging, whinging, ungrateful offspring can inherit it.  Gave up wiping their bums some years ago, do not plan to start doing so again after I’m dead.

Male Seeking Female

Sad: Human, 30 years Scalentine, nice guy, abandoned by uncaring family, seeks comforting female who will soothe wounds inflicted by crueller women.  Preferably with own home/business.

Right Stuff:  Taxidermist, human, 40 years Scalentine, seeks fellow enthusiast or willing apprentice to share hobby.  This is the third time I have placed this advertisement, due to misunderstandings.  Please note taxidermy is not a metaphor for anything else.

Female Seeking Female

UnKinked: Ikinchli, 22 years Scalentine, handsome, energetic, professional contortionist, seeks straightforward relationship.

Hermaphroditic Seeking Hermaphroditic

One to steal your heart: T’farin, 32 years Scalentine, handsome, entertaining, enterprising businessperson, seeks adventurous partner with own home with lockable storage capacity.  Also alibi for night of 28^th of Prend.