Dear Madam Steel
I have been married for 25 years Scalentine to a nice man who has always been a good provider and we have a decent, quiet life.
I was sorting his sock-drawer the other day and found something I did not recognise. I am worried that my husband is up to something ‘peculiar’ of an underpants nature and that this is just the first step to wild parties and I don’t know what sort of shenanigans.
My friend Mrs Polth said I should write to you because you know about this sort of thing, so I hope you will not think me forward.
I have drawn a picture of the object (enclosed).
After some study, and consultation with Cruel and Unusual who have certain expertise in odd objects, we have come to the conclusion that what you found is a wooden mushroom of the sort used for darning socks. It seems that the only thing your husband is up to is a little personal mending.
However your description of your life as ‘decent and quiet’ and of your husband as ‘nice’ and a ‘good provider’ makes me think that perhaps a little more underpants activity in your household might not go amiss, if you get my meaning. Otherwise there may indeed be a risk of shenanigans.
Distracted: Well I’m not surprised she slapped you. Get her something nice, and if she forgives you, next time keep your attention on the job at hand. Or other organ.
Fooled: I don’t think you’re going to see your silver again, mate, unless you go to the Militia. No need to be embarrassed – you won’t be the first (or last) person to have been caught out by a charming rogue. I’d be intrigued to know where he hid it, though, under the circumstances.
Whoops: Not again. Either stop buying cheap potions, or at least get them from a warlock who can spell. In the meantime, you’re just going to have to wait for the effects to wear off.