Things I learned from the good citizens of Scalentine today:

If you’ve smoked so much cloud you can barely talk it’s a really good idea to then go to the city’s borders and stare at them for a while. You may even get some of your sanity back eventually. And having to listen to you giggle in your cell for three straight hours doesn’t get on anyone’s nerves at all.

If you have so many children you have given them numbers instead of names, there’s no reason to remember what they actually look like when you report them missing. We’re happy to go on guesswork alone. And it doesn’t bother us at all when you come back later having remembered that the one you thought was missing was actually the oldest one who left home to get married about a month ago, even though one of my officers did spend over an hour trying to calm you down and get any sort of useful details whatsoever.

By all means go to a peep show without checking which species are involved and what, exactly, they’re going to be showing you. And by all means try and have the owner arrested because the perfectly legal if disconcerting thing you saw happened to make you throw up all over your shoes.

If you realise you are about to be arrested please do hide the stolen goods in one of your many orifices; we’re happy to check all fifteen of them. And discovering that you use two of said orifices to store some very elderly, and by now quite lively, sandwiches, is just a part of what makes my officers such happy little bunnies in the pursuance of their duties.

If you are a minor criminal with a bad memory, when a known wizard who you actually robbed not long ago asks you to ‘store’ something for him, this is a perfectly understandable request and will not in any way result in you running screaming into the street yelling o gods o gods please make it stop.

Hargur Bitternut,
Chief, City Militia