EXTRACTS FROM THE SCALENTINE CHRONICLER

JOBS

Guards/Drivers sought for trade caravan.  High rates. Must be skilled fighters, any additional abilities an advantage, extra weapons/armour/magical protections provided, no dependents preferred.

Teachers required, all subjects.  Madame Hithrode’s Educational College, King of Stone.  High rates. Must be skilled fighters, any additional abilities an advantage, extra weapons/armour/magical protections provided, no dependents preferred, pension provided to survivors.

ARTICLES FOR SALE

Small lamp with integral genie.  Reasonable offers. No returns.

Sword, used.  Suitable for beating into ploughshare.  Contact Ornan Strongthews, Dunquestin, Lower Pikel Row.

OBITUARIES

Peacefully at home, Mithin Tarkesh, age 95 Scalentine.  For real this time, you were such a joker Dad.

In the Little Sisters of Perpetual Fury home, age 285 Scalentine, Lottie Dripwell.  With us too short a time.

After a short struggle, Inchways the Loathsome, finally.

 

This Week in the Scalentine Chronicler

Charity Venture Sparks Religious Riot

Scenes of violence and destruction of property overtook Lower Water Way yesterday when Theriniet D’chain (28 Years Scalentine) and her two friends Lisial E’Kith (32) and Dropfi N’Rakl (25), attempted to raise money for their local Little Sisters of Perpetual Inconsistency Mothers and Toddlers group. They hired an amusing six legged cow costume from Volfringes’ Japerie to attract donations.

The ladies were unaware that once dressed in this costume, they bore a strong resemblance to The Latent Beast, a deity of the Ginankish people whose presence symbolises the onset of the End Times.

“At first it was all going well,” Mrs D’chain told our reporter. “We’d collected enough for some washable cushion covers, maybe a few crayons. The next thing we know all these people are pointing at us and wailing.”

The Eternal Cleansing sect of the Ginankish believe that on the appearance of The Beast one should immediately shed all worldly possessions and give them to The Beast in order to have a chance of passing into the new world that will appear on the destruction of the old.

“They started stripping off and throwing stuff at us. Money, and clothes, and whatever they had with them. Lisial almost got hit with a chicken. We had no idea what was going on, you can’t see a lot in that outfit, especially if you’re the middle set of legs.”

The Anti-Disintegration Sect of the Ginankish, on the other hand, believe that all worldly goods should be gathered together and burned, in order to propitiate The Beast, and that this will prevent The Beast from destroying the world and allow mortals more time to prepare themselves for the End.

Anti-Disintegrationists however did not confine themselves to burning their own discarded goods but also began to pull them from nearby shops. Proprietors objected.  The Eternal Cleansing sect attempted to intervene. Violence ensued.

“The costume shifted and I couldn’t see anything at all,” said Mrs D’chain. “There was this smell of burning and I could hear yells and people being punched. Then Dropfi and Lisial were trying to run in two different directions and I fell over. The next thing I remember is the Militia cutting me out of the costume.”

There were 14 injuries and an estimated 10,000 silver of damage, including the amusing cow costume, which has now been withdrawn from display on the advice of the Militia.

“Next time I think we’ll have a cake stall,” said Mrs D’chain.

Notes from Bitternut’s Casebook

Some of the more notable incidents this week;

Lolfringe T’citchen, Chef, the Roundhouse Tower. I have yet to discover which law covers this. Basically, he put portions of his own anatomy in a stew. Apparently it’s customary where he comes from, and they grow back. However, I’m fairly sure it violates health and safety, and it certainly upset the other kitchen staff. Not to mention the one customer who found out, after consuming his portion, and threw up. On me, as it happens.

Dorce Inteneth lac the Third, No Fixed Abode. Tried to declare himself the rightful King of Scalentine again, this time by drawing the sword from the stone. Said ‘stone’ was actually a large loaf prepared by the Bakers’ and Pastrymakers’ Guild for their annual charity event, and the ‘sword’ was a carving knife. No injuries were sustained although a cream cake and several buns suffered minor damage.

Several citizens arrested for creating a disturbance while celebrating the 110th birthday of Marinettish Dolfray. Mrs Dolfray  herself, while physically present at the proceedings, did not contribute to the disturbance due to having been deceased for some years. Apparently she has made provision in her will for these celebrations every year, with her preserved remains in attendance. She did look quite jolly, what with the paper hat. Unfortunately the provisions of her will do not cover the subsequent fines resulting from the attendees making a damned nuisance of themselves.

Lord Theriaston Oblaish Dath Renacule, The Manse, 14 White Square. Tried to get us to arrest his servant for failing to heat his bathwater to his precise requirements. On investigation my officers discovered several violations of a number of laws, all of them by Lord Theriaston. Lord Theriaston is currently in the cells and has demanded access to bathing facilities, which he will receive. He may find them a bit chilly since it’s possible someone accidentally shut off the boiler. Oops.

Intricia Martens, 5 The Clays. Malicious assault on a cabbage.

 

 

 

Extracts from the Scalentine Chronicler Classified Ads

Botherington’s Introduction Agency. Hate having to introduce people?  Bad with names? Instantly forget everything about someone the minute you have to introduce them to someone else?  Botherington’s provides small, discreet, specially trained imps who will perch in your ear and whisper the necessary details to you. Direct access to your memory and all personal files required.

Need the Look? Someone to impress?  We can turn you into the person/creature you want to be! Netheridge’s Patented Illusions, 46 Hopping Crane Street. (Illusions are temporary. Netheridge’s is not liable for any injuries resulting from the disappointment of third parties. Please note that the extra anatomy provided with our Ikinchli illusion is not actually functioning). 

Know your future!  Honest Jaek’s Real Fortunes. Specific, reliable, and highly accurate. Cash only, no credit.

BloodShade Temple Open House; Stoneday, 9th Glister. Looking for answers? Curious about what the Lore of Govash The Eternally Vengeful could mean for you in these troubled times? Come along and say hello! Light refreshments and appropriate entertainments for the kiddies provided.

Madame Wisp’s Etherereal Delights.  Weary of the mundane collisions of the flesh? Bored of the humiliations and unpleasant aftermath of physical intoxication? Fatigued by the constant jabber of so-called music and unnecessary conversation? Let me introduce you to Madame Wisp’s Cabinet of Wonders. It may appear to be just a plain black box in which you are locked for several hours, but you will be amazed at the results. Set your mind free! (No refunds offered).  

Found: Large, friendly animal. Long white coat which sheds a lot, dribbly mouth, huge muddy paws and excessively amorous attitude towards legs, furniture and passers-by. Answers to several names including Go Away, Get Down, and Stoppit. If he is yours please come get him. Or even if he isn’t. 18 Lower Trench, you’ll recognise it from the lawn that’s no longer there.

For sale: Mourning suit. Size 11. Unworn. Rapid transaction required.

Wanted: Small goat.

Scalentine Chronicler Lonely Hearts Column

Male seeking Female

Abracadabra: Alphor the Magnificent, (human, 50 Years Scalentine, slightly used) Conjuror of Lively Spirits and Entertaining Visions for the Discerning, weary of non-corporeal company, seeks nice solid lady.  Own wand provided.

Female seeking Male

I’d Hide: Ikinchli female seeks handsome, utterly untrustworthy male. His name’s Drakiikk, and he’s a total  sonofaswampbeetle, so if he turns on the charm, be warned. As for you, Drakiik – never mind what my brothers said, I’m after you. I’ll find you first, and I’m worse. 

Male seeking Male

Forgotten Something? Athletic, affectionate, absent-minded Ipanthi male, 28 years Scalentine, seeks relationship with cute, forgiving similar.  Fairly sure I’m not currently involved. However just in case, you should be broadminded, or able to catch flying crockery, or both.

Female seeking Female

Still Here: Human, 50 years Scalentine, seeks female companion for her son. He’s a perfectly nice boy but I can’t get him out of this house with a crowbar. Any appealing applicants considered. Compensation,  helpful advice and future babysitting offered. (Dear Editor: Are you sure this will go in the right section this time?)

Hermaphroditic seeking Hermaphroditic

Expect Poetry: Are you adventurous, unconventional, fed up of your parent expecting you to go into the family restaurant business and be exactly like them and absolutely everyone else they know?  Me too.  Barraklé, 17 years Scalentine, seeks similar who understands.    

Other

Extra-Ordinary: Ordinary Couple (human, M/F, 45 and 50 years Scalentine) seeks Other to add interest to our bedroom encounters.  Nothing too exotic, i.e. maximum 3 appendages and no weird stuff. (If we have to explain weird, it’s weird. Sorry).

Dear Babylon – Skin Deep

Dear Babylon

Honourful greetings lady of most rectitude and erotic expertise.

I am a Jaiyiak recently arrived to your exotic city of Scalentine on a mission to make dealings with your traders.  After a day of hard negotiations we have not yet reached a settlement of satisfaction to all parties but going well and all are on terms of high regard.  Those with whom I am dealing invite me to a celebratory occasion where they inform is to be worn costume.

This I am most willing to do being always pleased to take part in local customs if not distasteful or of unnecessary lethality.

I dress as a human for this party, to honour my human hosts.  This is a time-consuming and not uncostly process also quite uncomfortable.

When I arrive I realise that most costumes are not full-body realistic as is mine but only clothing.

I have not put on clothing, thinking costume would be sufficient.

I am now a naked human at a party of clothed humans.  Also, my hosts do not recognise me. This is a situation of some awkwardness.

However a human who I believe from the appurtenances is probably female approaches and with great kindness removes a part of her own costume in order to lend it to me.

She is definitely female, and I am pleased that my studies of the species have proved accurate.

I attempt to speak to my hosts but they have disappeared among all the people.  I spend time instead talking with the female who is quite charming if rather confused and eventually I realise she wishes to engage in congress.

I inform her that it is not my time for congress and also our anatomies unsuited, upon which she informs me that my anatomy looks very suited to her.

I try to explain I am not human, but the female makes a sound that causes her appurtenances to jiggle in a strange way and says “it’s all right dearie I like weres” which I do not understand.  I would remove the human appearance but this process is squishy and involves spillage which would be inappropriate behaviour in someone else’s celebration.

I extricate myself with as much as possible politeness and return to my lodgings.

The next morning there is a message from the lady.  She thinks I am a human, and also ‘sweet’ and ‘shy’ and wishes to meet with me for purposes of furthering our relationship.

The ‘human’ she met is now dried up and in the wastebin.  I do not wish to insult the lady, but also do not wish to engage in congress as this would be unpleasant and possibly terminal for at least one of us.

I must remain in Scalentine until negotiations are completed.  I would be grateful for your advice in this delicate matter.

Yours in hope,

Adthileiar third descendant to the right of Ofrani.

 

Dear Adthileiar

As a human female, or thereabouts, I would advise that you send a message to the lady explaining the situation as plainly as possible.  If she remains persistent, simply answer the door next time she calls, in your own form, and without clothing.  I have been fortunate enough to meet members of your race and can state with absolute certainty that you are correct about the likely result of any congress.  If she can’t work out which bit is which, tell her.  She will back off.

If she doesn’t…umm, she has bigger problems than I can deal with.  In that case, I suggest a discreet exit out the back and a change of lodging.

In any case you have will have behaved with all the courtesy that can be expected of a visitor.

And I would be very interested to know the name of your costume maker.  You never know when that sort of thing will come in useful.

Babylon

 

Notes:

Enthalion Sonit: I’m sorry, but you are banned until you can control your tendency to vocal overenthusiasm.  You owe us for two windows, six wineglasses, a mirror, and one right bastard of a headache. Invoice attached.

Miss M: Please tell your delivery boy that he simply mistook the Basement entrance for the service entrance.  What he saw was neither a scene of demons engaged in torment, nor a murder.  Just Cruel and Unusual and a couple of clients of theirs.  Who survived.  We’re very, ah, strict about that.

Driskar: No.  There are limits.  At least, there are on your budget.

 

Notes from Bitternut’s Casebook

The usual parade of rogues and idiots this week.

There’s a lot of beguile about, despite our best efforts. Pity the portals don’t seem to recognise it as something we really don’t want around here. But I suppose they let it through because it’s not generally lethal in itself. Users end up dead for other reasons – like some poor stupid adolescent convinced he can stop a half-ton runaway cart with his mind.
While standing in front of it.
At most, he provided a very slight pause in its progress. And guess who had to ask his mum to identify the result. Hate that part of the job.

A slight variation on an old scam – telling elderly people you’ve done repairs to their roof and demanding payment. Only actually doing the repairs, and massively undercharging for them. Not at all sure what’s going on there. Someone’s confused, i.e. me. When we catch the perpetrator I don’t know if we should arrest them or hire them.

Someone’s been sending around letters telling people they’ve won a luxury holiday, and all they need to do is send money to get the prize. Admittedly a holiday to the Spice Isles sounds pretty good right now, but that’s no excuse for one of my own damn officers falling for this. Had to reprimand several of the others for laughing at him, though I’m not entirely sure that it was because he’d been scammed – it may have been his beach costume. He did look pretty pathetic standing there with his suitcase, all hopeful. And those shorts were…unfortunate.

However, two cases to be filed under “had it coming,” this week.

Don’t try to mug elderly ladies. Not in Scalentine. Even if they are small, frail, and muttering at things you can’t see. If it’s Mattie Longsides, that just means she’s talking to her invisible friends – not all of whom are imaginary, and some of whom are very, very protective.

That helpless fluffy animal you were torturing?  It may be the offspring of something a lot less fluffy and anything but helpless, which is also an excellent tracker. Small fluffy thing has now received veterinary treatment and been reunited with its parent. Perpetrator is still receiving medical attention. Officers, who were aware of the situation, may have been slightly slow in responding to cries of Argh argh get it off my leg my leg, but I’m sure that was due to exceptionally heavy foot traffic or some such, and do not plan to issue any reprimands.

Hargur Bitternut
Chief, City Militia   

Minutes of the Meeting of the Wayforth Independent Magical Practitioners Society

Held at Carterton’s Wizardly Emporium on Stoneday 8th of Inster
Present: J Carterton, (Chairman), Enic the Puce, Larsh Devidian, Marvo the Marvellous, H’Athak d’tren Lishi, Miss S Praither, and N Drayak.
Apologies: Dorgo the Recently Deceased.

MINUTES OF THE PREVIOUS MEETING Minutes of the Meeting held on 7th Menthin were proposed for acceptance by Larsh Devidian, seconded by Miss S Praither, and approved unanimously.
Matters arising from the Minutes.  4) A letter acknowledging payment of 83 silver has been received from Grillishen’s Exotic Revue Bar following this year’s Twomoon party.  However they have suggested we find another venue for next year, or, to quote, “It won’t just be wands that get broken.”
8) Our recent recruitment drive is already bearing fruit as we welcome N Drayak to his first meeting of the Society.

DECLARATIONS OF INTEREST Larsh Devidian declared an interest in agenda item (5), Date of the Next Meeting.  N Drayak declared an interest in agenda item (3), Outreach and Recruitment.

1.  Secretary’s Report.  Enic the Puce told us that our last group outing to the Convocation of Greater Wizardry on 28th Inster, while considered by some, naming no names, to be a bit of a disappointment, was an essential part of our outreach programme and will enhance the Society’s reputation.  The fact that the Society’s name did not appear on any of the Convocation’s publicity material was certainly due to an administrative oversight which Enic the Puce is already pursuing. And he was not at any point patted on the head and told to ‘go home little wizard and learn some proper magic,’ thank you, in fact he had a most interesting conversation with a third level Adept and that trembling lip some people were unkind enough to remark upon is a personal tic.  Which is often seen in particularly powerful magical practitioners due to the stress of controlling so much magic.
The Society’s next outing will be the Scalentine General Practitioners exeat to the Flame Republic, to join in the Interplanar Tournament.  In a plane without the restrictions on magical usage imposed by living in Scalentine, the Society is expected to give a good account of itself.  All members are encouraged to enter for at least one class. Anyone who doesn’t have an entry form can get one from the Secretary.
Miss S Praither suggested that the Society didn’t have a hope in the seventh hell in even the lowest classes, and that members would be lucky to return from the Tournament in a series of small, scorched jars. Enic the Puce objected and suggested that Miss Praither’s lack of confidence was pulling the whole group down.  J Carterton called the meeting to order.  Several times.

2.  Treasurer’s Report.  Our balance as of the end of Menthin was 42 silver. We will shortly be making payments to the Diplomatic Section for our Magic Practitioners’ Group Registration – please get your individual payments to the Secretary by the end of the meeting, those of you who haven’t yet paid, Larsh.  We are also coming up for our annual charity donation to the Magical Practitioners Relicts and Orphans fund.
Marvo the Marvellous interjected at this point that the Fund now also includes care and feeding of the familiars of deceased/disappeared/otherwise unavailable magical practitioners, and he considered this a right waste of money, everyone knew it just meant an excuse for a lot of softies to buy catfood for perfectly useless animals and our money should go elsewhere.
H’Athak d’tren Lishi called him a heartless brute.  N Drayak suggested that we ask Wizard Mokraine’s opinion on what he’d like done with his familiar, in the event of his unfortunate departure, at which point the meeting came rapidly to order.

3. Outreach and recruitment.  H’Athak d’tren Lishi suggested that we put another advert in the Scalentine Chronicle and that zhe would like to design it this time, as the last one looked as though it had been thrown up by a sick vickra, no offense meant.
Marvo said none taken, he had better things to do with his time than faff around with getting every tiny detail exactly right, he’d only done it because no-one else volunteered. H’Athak d’tren Lishi pointed out that every tiny detail usually included not only using colours people could look at without their eyes retreating into their heads from the pain, but getting the address of the Society right, and it was a miracle our new member N Drayak had found us at all.
At this point it was remembered that N Drayak had declared an interest in this agenda item, and zhe was given the floor.  N Drayak then pointed out that zhe had found us by asking where the WIMPS hung out, and perhaps the Society might consider the impression given by this acronym.
Miss S Praither suggested that given the content of this meeting she was sure N Drayak would agree that it was in fact an extremely accurate description, at which N Drayak was overcome with a coughing fit and sat down.

4. Any Other Business.  The Chairman would like to point out that no-one has contributed to the Biscuit Fund for several meetings and the honesty box is just sitting there, no pressure but crunchy comestibles don’t buy themselves.

5. Date and Time of Next Meeting. This will be on Rivday, 10th of Glazin. Larsh Devidian pointed out that the date for the next meeting, like three of the last four, was set during a full moon, during which time he was unable to attend due to being in his other form, and that he had pointed this out to the committee several times, and if they were trying to tell him something, fine, he’d leave the Society, he just wished people would be honest.
At some point it was realised that our new member, N Drayak, had left.  He did not appear to have used the door.  However his attendance undoubtedly marks a new and exciting move forward in the life of the Society.

From the Scalentine Chronicler Personal Columns…

Female Seeking Male

In the money: Human, 58 years Scalentine, well-preserved and jolly.  Seeks entertaining, independent person/persons to help me spend family fortune as recklessly as possible, before scrounging, whinging, ungrateful offspring can inherit it.  Gave up wiping their bums some years ago, do not plan to start doing so again after I’m dead.

Male Seeking Female

Sad: Human, 30 years Scalentine, nice guy, abandoned by uncaring family, seeks comforting female who will soothe wounds inflicted by crueller women.  Preferably with own home/business.

Right Stuff:  Taxidermist, human, 40 years Scalentine, seeks fellow enthusiast or willing apprentice to share hobby.  This is the third time I have placed this advertisement, due to misunderstandings.  Please note taxidermy is not a metaphor for anything else.

Female Seeking Female

UnKinked: Ikinchli, 22 years Scalentine, handsome, energetic, professional contortionist, seeks straightforward relationship.

Hermaphroditic Seeking Hermaphroditic

One to steal your heart: T’farin, 32 years Scalentine, handsome, entertaining, enterprising businessperson, seeks adventurous partner with own home with lockable storage capacity.  Also alibi for night of 28th of Prend.

Extracts from the Scalentine Chronicler Employment Columns

Cheese Wrangler wanted.
Experience in handling Litjar Blue and the more potent Endaki cheeses a necessity, apply Tupp’s Warehouse, Little Cattle Street.

Dancers needed, Calentaria’s Burlesque Barre and Grille. 
Flexibility, dexterity, skin/costumes must be resistant to spitting fat and occasional mustard.

Join the Militia!
Are you healthy, fit, morally upstanding, and committed to creating a safe and peaceful city for all its inhabitants?  If you can stand the inevitable disillusionment, we need you in the City Militia.  Apply Central Barracks.

Cook/miracle-worker required
Can you make palatable food for a crew of 27, in a storm, out of weevilly flour, two squishy onions and an elderly but very uncooperative chicken?  While attempting, with nothing but a dented kettle, to fight off a big green thing with suckers?  Neither could I.  But if you think you could, and fancy being cold, wet, shouted at and unappreciated, apply to the captain of the Leaping Dragon, as they now have a vacancy. 3rd Bay, Portal Bealach Docks.